


Don't You Guys Wear Pants Anymore?

by whatthedubbs



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Young Avengers
Genre: Alien Pride, DCU People will probably show up at some point, F/F, F/M, Humor, Leather, M/M, Magical Shenanigans, Multi, Other, Outlandish underwear, Post-College AU, Probably Polyamory at some point, References to bondage, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Teddy Altman in leather is hazardous to your health but so worth the risk, The Communists are to blame for this, The Young Avengers are quasi-nudists, body painting, casual nudity, probably won't get graphic but I make no promises, strip club au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:03:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1917369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthedubbs/pseuds/whatthedubbs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This whole thing is DangerousCommieSubversive's fault.  I take no responsibility for the following nonsense.</p>
<p>Literally this whole thing sprung from a headcanon of hers that there's a lot of casual nudity in the YA headquarters.  </p>
<p>I think this is just going to be a bunch of one-shots and stupid stories.  Be prepared for shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Multiverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which experimental science is not permitted on stage, Teddy's dick enters witness protection, and patrons state the obvious.

"David."

David turns around slowly, wincing internally but attempting to remain cool in the face of Kate's glare.  "Yes?"

Kate reaches out and pins David to the wall with one hand while waving a twisted mass of wires, shiny metal, and oddly-iridescent blinking lights under his nose.  "What was this doing under the stage?"

"Um."  David looks back and forth between the device and his very annoyed manager/teammate.  "Being tested?"

"Tested." Kate deadpans at him.  "You thought it would be a good idea to test out the _experimental_ anti-gravity device on Drag Night?"

"Um."

"You're lucky Teddy's keeping Billy distracted downstairs.  Jonas had to wipe photos from over a hundred cell phones.  _And_ interrupt the livestream for a full five minutes.  _NOH GOT STUCK UPSIDE DOWN AND FLASHED HIS JUNK AT THE ENTIRE CLUB!"_

"Sorry!"  David cringed, "I think there are some unbalanced pockets of neutron polarity on the fringes of the anti-gravity field."

" _You tested an unstable anti-gravity field generator in a room full of_ _unsuspecting patrons while we were broadcasting live on the internet?"_

"It seemed like a good idea at the time?"  David cringed more. 

Kate threw up her hands in defeat.  David managed to catch the generator before it smashed on the floor.

"Next time you pull a stunt like that I'm letting Tommy play with your sound system."

 

* * *

 

"Billy?  Why is Teddy's dick suddenly in witness protection?"  Kate called as she watched the blond wander out of the showers and toward the laundry room, a towel slung around his neck the thing between his skin and the air. 

Billy poked his head around the partition that separated the kitchen from the main living area.  "Because you guys couldn't stop staring and it was getting on my nerves." 

Tommy rolled his eyes from where he was draped over Noh's naked back on the sofa.  "Dude.  He just got a _piercing in his dick_.  It was gonna take us at least a few hours to get used to it."

"You guys know I can hear you, right?" Teddy called, still rummaging around in the laundry.  A moment later, he appeared, adjusting the waistband of the _violently_ purple boxer-briefs that Kate had given him as a gag gift for his college graduation.  "What do you mean by witness protection?"

Kate snickered into her hand, turning back to where she had been kicking ass in Far Cry 3.  "You know that effect they put over witness' faces when they get interviewed on TV for those true crime shows Eli's so into?"

Teddy nodded.  "Yeah?"

"That's what we're seeing instead of your dick," Tommy said bluntly, hooking his chin over Noh's shoulder to watch Kate dominating pirates with her character's bow.

"Hunh."  Teddy looked down, pulling out the waistband of his boxers to inspect his crotch.  "I'll have to take your word for it."

 

* * *

 

"Dude, I think that guy on the stage is totally making come-hither eyes at you right now."

Tommy looks up from where he was busy making the world's fastest gin and tonic.  There's a guy leaning on the bar, not anything too remarkable.  Tommy thinks he's a regular, but he doesn't remember faces that well so he could be wrong.  "Hmmm?"

The guy laughs and points over his shoulder to where Noh is doing something on the center pole that looks like it would break a human spine.  "The dude with the white hair.  He keeps on giving you this look.  Like he wants to kidnap you and do kinky shit to you in his basement sex-dungeon."

Tommy laughs with him, sliding the drink down the bar to Margaret, one of the drag queens who's busy chatting up a cute-looking girl from out of town.  "He always does that," Tommy remarks off-handedly.  "He knows that if he manages to distract me I'll go extra hard on him on Sunday."  The speedster looks up at possibly-a-regular, a dangerous glint in his eye that makes the guy shift a little uneasily.

"What's on Sunday?"  The guy asks, nervously.

Tommy grins.  "Bondage Night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: War of the Outlandish Underwear feat. Tommy and Noh-Varr
> 
> If you have any particularly outlandish (male) underwear in mind leave a link in the comments!


	2. The War of the Most Outlandish Undergarments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy starts it.

Tommy starts it, of course.

At first it was just a prank.  Noh tends to wander around in whatever underwear is on top of the drawer, so it's easy to influence his choice of boxer-briefs.  Tommy's been doing it for months now, just to make sure that Noh's ass keeps looking edible while he's puttering around the base.  Maybe it's a little selfish, but it's not like Noh minds.  Tommy has no doubt that Noh is aware of what he's doing and is just going along with it because he enjoys watching Tommy acting like a little shit for some reason that Tommy is _never_ going to question.

Anyway.  It's April 1st.  How could he resist.

He empties Noh's dresser and closet of every bit of clothing.  Everything.  Down to the last _sock_.  And leaves a solitary garment laid on a bed of green tissue paper in Noh's underwear drawer.

-X-

Tommy stumbles into the kitchen the next morning, eyes still mostly closed, hands stretching out like a zombie toward the coffee that Noh always leaves for him on the counter.  He takes a sip, then a huge gulp, sighing contentedly and turning to where Noh is standing in front of the sink, carefully washing a colander of blueberries before he eats them (He's been super-careful ever since the Apple Incident of 2015).  Tommy doesn't really process what Noh's doing, though.

No.

He's _transfixed._

By Noh's ass in the cheery [rainbow-colored lacy boyshorts](https://xdress.com/media/images/product/7039-L.jpg) that Tommy had left in his drawer. 

"Tommy?"

Jesus _Christ._

"Tommy?"

Noh turns to look at him, and Tommy is mortified when he lets out a _whimper_ as the Kree's ass rotates out of his line of sight.  Noh just raises an eyebrow. 

-X-

That _should_ have been the end of it, but no.  Of course not.

Noh spent the rest of the day _taunting_ him. 

Tommy would be wandering around behind the bar upstairs, taking stock, and Noh would wander onto the stage and start doing fucking _yoga_.  He'd never seen the Kree accidentally drop something in his _life_ , but it seemed every time there was something small and unbreakable in his hand, he dropped it _just so he could bend over a_ _nd pick it up while waving his ass at wherever Tommy happened to be._   The bastard even wore them for his _set_ with Eli that night.  Tommy botched four drinks in an hour, and then begged Cassie to take over before he lost all his bartender cred.

* * *

It's a few weeks before Tommy's prepared to retaliate.  Mostly for him to adjust to the fact that  _apparently his boyfriend actually really likes wearing those frilly rainbow boyshorts everywhere_.  It's distracting.

However, when he _does_ find the perfect thing to get back at Noh with (after a week of internet scouring and wiping his browser history), he's holding in his hands the tools of Noh-Varr's undoing.  They're small.  [They're gray.  They _barely_ cover his ass](http://www.aliexpress.com/item-img/Free-shipping-WJ-Men-s-underwear-Low-waist-sexy-briefs-Mesh-Breathable-6-Colors-S-M/1014810791.html).  And there's a row of shiny snaps running across the front.  Tommy has to admit that his ass looks _fantastic_ in them.  He smirks.  Noh won't know what hit him.

The first time he saunters across the lounge in them, Noh misses the kitchen entryway by about two feet and slams into the wall.  Tommy guffaws, then runs like hell.

* * *

Things rapidly deteriorate from there.

The next week, Noh wanders out of his room in a [pair of briefs](http://www.deadgoodundies.com/files/images/full/joe-snyder-rainbow-mini-cheek-22-2.jpg) that show off the Kree's ass in a way that Tommy's _sure_ is against the Geneva Convention.

He retaliates with the [smallest string thong he can find on the internet](http://img01.cp.aliimg.com/imgextra/i2/39430071/T2c2lRXjRdXXXXXXXX_!!39430071.jpg).  Noh makes a sound like something _dying_ and promptly gets berated by Kate for making sex-noises in the community space.

The day Noh brings out the ass-less underwear Tommy just gives up all pretense of not being effected, and drags the Kree away to have his way with that ass.

Noh's actually _limping_ later.  Teddy looks at him with a mixture of disbelief and horror when Tommy meets his eyes.

* * *

 

Slowly, it becomes less about who can find the hotest-looking underwear, and more of a competition to find the most unfortunate or weird underwear. 

Tommy was winning for a while with that [weird blue band ](http://www.dailybri.com/wp-content/uploads/String-Lateral-Flash-Bleu-Alter2.jpg)that sat across his hip, but the [novelty Thanksgiving-Day thong](http://iw.suntekstore.com/clothes_cache/264/12001982/iw1371720309_image.jpg) that Noh pulled out last November de-throned him effortlessly.  Tommy still shudders whenever he remembers the damn thing.  It was like it was _watchi_ _ng_ him.

After that, there's a stalemate for a while.  Neither of them can really top the creepiness that was Turkey Thong, and Tommy's not sure he _wants_ to know what's creepier.  Until he stumbles upon the [Elephant Thong.](https://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/5924777/il_570xN.201958549.jpg)  Someone on Etsy is actually selling novelty crochet thongs made to look like animals.  It's got little button eyes.  It's custom made by some Canadian chick.  Tommy doesn't think he's ever gone for the 'Buy' button faster.  It says it'll be two weeks until it ships, but it's totally going to be worth the wait.

When the thing arrives, Tommy gleefully unwraps it from the cheery pink tissue paper it came wrapped in, shimmies out of his boxer-briefs, tugs the thing on, and practically _dances_ out of his room to go find Noh.

They ritually burn the thing two days later.  Noh volunteers to take the ashes and bury them on the moon.  Nobody stops him.  Tommy saunters away from the charred lump of wool, confident in his victory.

Until Noh comes back a few days later with a pair of briefs that seem to be made _entirely out of living octopus tentacles_.  It's apparently some strange creature that he found while looking for a suitable place to hide the remains of Elephant Thong.  Tommy doesn't even want to know. 

Apparently Noh actually _likes_ them, because they become his new favorite piece of lounge wear.  Kate declares him the winner and forbids Tommy from attempting to retaliate.  Tommy pouts.  Noh totally cheated.


	3. Why One Should Never Play Poker With Prodigy or Speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Thor and Steve Rogers Stripping. Just FYI.

" _Kate.  Why are Thor and Captain America wandering around backstage?"_

Kate turns to face Billy where he's hanging off her doorframe, a look of incredulity on his face.  She smirks.  

"They were foolish enough to play poker with David and Tommy last week," she says offhandedly, watching with amusement as Billy's eyes go saucer-wide.  "So they're here for Hero's Night."

Billy stands there for a moment, and she can practically hear the gears grinding away in his head as he processes this piece of information.

"You mean.  They're here to-"

"Yep," Kate nodded, her smile broadening and becoming somewhat predatory.  "Excited?"

Billy groans.  "Please tell me you booked them with Tommy and Noh.  Please.  I'll do all your laundry for a month.  I'll get Teddy to give you foot massages.  _I'll wear those terrifying briefs that Noh brought back from space for that hentai-themed birthday party next month just please do not make me strip with Steve Rogers!"_

Kate's smile widens just a little bit further.  "Why not?  I thought you were a big fan of his." 

Billy makes a sound like a dying whale and throws himself down on the sofa she keeps in the corner.  "You are evil and devious and if Steve never sets foot in this place again because I got a boner while dancing with him then it's entirely your fault."

She wanders over and pats his head soothingly.  "I'm sure you'll do fine.  You're already taking this better than Tommy did when I told him he was working with Thor."

* * *

"Are you not looking forward to this evening's festivities, Steve?"  Thor asks from where he's examining the costume he's been provided with in the dressing room mirror. 

Steve looks up and grimaces when he catches sight of his own getup.  "Um.  Not entirely?"

Thor frowns, his brow furrowing slightly.  "But it is for a good cause, yes?  One you support?"

Steve sighs.  "Yeah.  I mean, it's terrible that there are so many kids out there who get punished for trying to be who they are, and I'm happy to help the kids raise money to help them.  I'm just not really... comfortable.  With this whole... you know..."  He gestures to his getup, "stripping.  Thing."

Thor nods and smiles reassuringly.  "I understand, my friend.  I believe that, if he were here, Hawkeye would instruct you to 'do it for America.'"

Steve snorts quietly.  "I'm sure he would."  He stands, and, steeling himself, takes another look at his costume.  It's...not so bad.  There's not _much_ more skin showing.  But that's a small comfort because apparently he's supposed to _remove_ most of it.  He can feel his face going red just _thinking_ about the... _garment..._ he's supposed to do most of the dancing in. 

The door opens behind him, and he turns quickly to see who it is, still on edge.  It's Teddy.  Hulkling.

"Um.  Kate says she's opening the house in five minutes.  Are you guys ready?"  The tips of the blond's ears are turning pink, and he seems to be trying very hard to keep his gaze above the shoulders.

"I think so," Steve hazards, looking over his shoulder at Thor, who nods.  "Where should we wait?"

"Uh, there's a room behind the stage where we hang out, if you want.  Cassie put some stuff to eat and drink out there, but if there's something you want from the bar then I can ask Kate to bring it around." 

Steve swallows.  "Right."

* * *

"Did you know Kate was assigning us both Hero's Night this month?"  Tommy hisses as he stomps in to the backstage lounge, adjusting the mock-up of his Speed uniform. 

"No!  Well.  I didn't know she was assigning it to both of us.  I thought you were off the hook because you and David arrange the guests!"  Billy hisses back from where he's cowering on one of the sofas.  "And why did you have to get Captain America?  Are you _trying_ to make me embarrass myself on stage?"

Tommy grabs himself a beer for each hand and throws himself down on the couch next to Billy, huffing irritably.  "I'm actually pretty sure Black Widow rigged the game so he'd loose to us," he grumbles, handing one of the beers to Billy.  "Pretty sure she's gonna be in the front row with Pepper and Tony taking pictures."

Billy looks at the beer in his hands for a few seconds, and decides that, as much as he'd like to, it's probably not a good idea.  Tommy's already halfway through his first, so he hands it back and goes to get himself a glass of fruit juice. 

As he's turning back toward Tommy they both hear voices from the hallway.  Teddy's familiar high barritone mixed with two others that _have_ to be Thor and Steve.  Billy feels the blood rush to his cheeks as he bolts back to the sofa just as the door opens. 

It's slightly unreal.  Thor is wandering around the room, making noises of approval over the selection of beer that's been laid out.  Steve is looking around nervously, trying very hard not to make eye-contact with anyone.  Billy and Tommy are practically huddled together on the couch, eying the two Avengers warily. 

Thor, seemingly completely unaware of the awkwardness that seems to have descended upon the room, pops open a beer and flops down on the couch next to Tommy, the sudden weight causing the speedster to almost bounce into his lap. 

"Thomas!  It has been a long time since we have seen each other!"  The god exclaims, using his free hand to right the younger man.  "How goes the brewing?"

* * *

Billy and Steve are the second of the two guest acts, so they wait behind the partition to one side of the stage as Thor and Tommy begin their routine.  Billy's trying to get his mind into the zen state he uses for Body Painting Night, but Steve keeps interrupting with semi-horrified commentary.

_"Oh my god I think your brother just groped Thor's behind!"_

_"He does that to everyone he's been on stage with.  I think he's got a list of all of them pinned up in the office."_

A few minutes pass, and then:

_"He just ripped Thor's pants off!"_

_"And his shirt!"_

_"They're supposed to do that.  Your costume's made the same way."_

Then:

_"Are those briefs made of chain mail?"_

_"I think so."_

And later:

" _They're sticking money in Thor_ _'s underwear!"_

_"Yeah, they do that sometimes.  If you keep back near the poles then they tend not to be tempted, I've found.  Tommy probably put him up to it.  He loves that kind of attention on stage."_

_"Oh God.  Thor just picked your brother up and slung him around his neck like that fur stole my mother wore to the movies when I was a kid."_

_"Wow.  I didn't realize he was getting so flexible."_

And finally:

_"Oh Good Lord.  They're finished.  Billy.  They're finished.  Help.  Billy, I can't go out there."_

_"Relax, Cap.  It's only a five minute song.  You can do this.  Do it for the Youth of America."_

_"Oh God!"_

* * *

"So, on a scale from one to relieved, how happy was Cap when Dr. Doom attacked thirty seconds into his set?"  Clint asks, ambling out of the kitchen in his boxers to join Kate, Billy, and Teddy on the sofa in front of the TV.  He's the only one of the older crowd who's really gotten comfortable with the casual semi-nudity that seems to be the dress code inside the Young Avenger's HQ, mostly because it's the same dress-code he follows in his own apartment.

Kate grins.  "Oh, definitely relieved.  Did you see how fast he was off the stage?  _Definitely_ not his scene, I think." 

Billy throws a chip at her.  "Then why did you let him agree to do it in the first place?  You could have saved both of us a lot of bother.  I think Tommy and Thor probably traumatized him for life."

Kate shrugs.  "We still made bank, even though you didn't get past the shirt.  Which, by the way, _excellent_ disrobing technique, Kaplan.  I thought we were going to have society ladies swooning at the bar."

Teddy nods enthusiastically, a cheeky smile spreading across his lips as he pokes Billy's side.  "Yeah, that was super hot, Bee.  How come you've never pulled that one out for me?  Should I be jealous of Captain America?"

"I hate you all so much," Billy states, turning resolutely back to the TV, the tips of his ears turning bright red.  "I hope you're happy."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue:  
> Thor enjoys himself so much that he becomes a semi-regular guest dancer. Imitation pairs of the chain-mail briefs he wore for the show start showing up on Etsy within two days. 
> 
> Steve ends up with his stripper costume because he was still wearing it when he ran off to fight Doom. It's currently hidden under his bed, and he likes to pretend it doesn't exist.
> 
> ALSO:  
> COME ON GUYS THIS CLUB STILL NEEDS A NAME.
> 
> ALSO ALSO: Sorry, I just couldn't make Cap strip for you guys. He really wasn't into it in my head, so I gave him the chance to bow out.


	4. Behind the Bar

"You know," Tommy muses as he watches Jason, Kori, and Roy up on the stage, "That's probably the hottest threesome in the multiverse.  Like, I'm pretty sure if they made porn, they'd drive half the industry out of business."

Kate flicks a peanut at his head.  He ducks.  She sighs. 

"For the last time, Tommy.  We are _not_ starting a porn studio upstairs."

He pouts.  "But _Katie-"_

"Think of it this way, Tommy," Cassie says, sliding onto the stool next to Kate.  "Would you _want_ to do all the extra legal work that running a porn studio would take?"

Tommy makes a face as he slides her usual across the bar.  "Okay, maybe not."

"Besides," Kate leans forward, her smile spreading a bit wider.  "I thought Eli, America, and I were the hottest threesome in the multiverse."

* * *

It's Thursday night, so Tommy's busy serving the artistic crowd while Teddy paints the cosmos on his brother's skin onstage.  It's a quiet night.  Body-painting doesn't tend to attract their more boisterous patrons.  He doesn't particularly mind, though.  It's fun to watch Teddy work, even if it's a little weird to watch his brother be the canvas. 

"Hey," he blurs to a stop in front of a blond guy in a well-worn hoodie and ripped jeans who's just sat down at the bar.  "What can I get for ya?"

Blond guy smiles, resting his elbows on the bar.  "Just a beer," he says, in a thick west-Ohio accent.  "And do you have the number of that other white-haired guy working the door?"

* * *

"You still good?"  Teddy whispers, trailing his finest brush over the curve of Billy's heel. 

"I'm good," Billy confirms, keeping himself as still as possible.  He's suspended in the air above the stage in the localized anti-gravity field that David's finally perfected.  It's incredibly strange whenever Teddy needs to get a different angle.  All it takes is the lightest touch and he revolves in space.  He's been upside down for the last five minutes while Teddy works on his feet. 

"Hang on another minute.  I'm almost done with this bit."  Teddy's hand curls around his ankle where the paint's dried under the spells Billy's been muttering to keep the paint from cracking and to bond it to his skin. 

Billy hums his acknowledgment and lets himself go loose as Teddy puts down his brush and gently turns him on his back so he's facing up at the ceiling, picking up his largest brush and dipping it in the pot of midnight blue paint that's sitting on the table by his side. 

"Ready?"  Teddy asks, holding the brush over Billy's chest, a single drop falling to leave a smudge over his abs.  Billy nods, a little smile drifting across his lips.

"Paint me like one of your French girls."

Teddy snorts as the brush traces the dip between Billy's pectorals.  "You're an ass."

"You love it."

* * *

 Tommy wakes up with a pounding headache and a mouth that tastes like something died in it.  There's also an unusually large and clawed hand resting on the small of his back, and a snuffling in his ear that's _definitely_ not Noh-Varr.

He cracks an eye open, immediately regretting it when the morning sunlight streaming in through the window hits his face.  He squeezes his eyes shut again and mashes his face into the warm skin beneath him.  

Someone grunts over to his left, and Teddy's raspy morning-voice asks: "Tommy?"

Tommy makes a displeased noise and rolls off whoever he's been sleeping on to bury his face in the comforter.  It's too early and he's too hung over to deal with this shit.  He doesn't remember _why_ Teddy's sleeping in his and Noh's bed, but if he doesn't shut up soon Tommy's _so_ kicking him to the floor.

He hears Noh sigh in his ear, and a moment later there's the familiar weight of him settling over Tommy's torso.  Not over his legs though.  Apparently whoever has their feet tangled with his own isn't Noh, because he didn't feel them moving.  And there's a dip in on the side Teddy _isn't_ on that has yet to be explained.  

Tommy begins to wonder what the fuck they got up to last night.  And why he doesn't seem to be able to recall any of it.

"Noh," he mutters into the sheets.  "How many people are in our bed?"

He feels the Kree lift his head and twist around a bit to survey the room.  "Six?"


	5. Stag Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, I didn't even realize that I had a chapter in drafts for this. Like, I think I wrote this just a little under a year ago now, and never did anything with it.

It is _way to early for this shit,_ Kate thinks as she surveys the scene in front of her.  This is what she gets for _finally_ taking a weekend off for the first time in two years.  For wanting to take her girlfriend and best friend to the beach for a few days to just _relax_.  For believing Eli and Teddy when they promised to keep the rest of the boys in line for three days.  

At least the Club stayed clean, although that might be Jonas.  Kate refuses to believe that Jonas has anything to do with the scene in front of her. 

There are seven boys sprawled on her bed.  seven very naked, gently snoring boys.  

There's discarded clothing _everywhere_. 

And four suspiciously empty boxes of condoms lying on the ottoman at the end of the bed.  Kate makes a mental note to not take out the trash this week.

Still, the whole scene is a little cute.  Billy and Tommy are curled around each other like sleeping kittens, Tommy drooling slightly on Billy's hair.  David's starfished out over their legs, his face pressed up against the back of Eli's thigh.  Noh-Varr is using Eli's top half like a body pillow, his skin looking like it's been attacked by a particularly amorous octopus from the hickeys he's got practically _everywhere._ Teddy's cuddling with one of Noh's legs in full Skrull form, although for some reason he's bright purple instead of his customary green.  And Loki (Kate is going to address the issue of _why_ any of the guys thought it was a good idea to let him have anything to do with their shenanigans) is sprawled over Teddy's back like a contented cat, and displaying an impressive amount of tattooed skin, including some tattoos Kate _never_ needed to know he had.

Kate quietly slips her phone of her pocket, snaps a few pictures for blackmail purposes, and quietly pulls the door shut behind her.

* * *

 

"So, I found where the boys got to," Kate calls as she steps into the kitchen.  Cassie and America wander in a few moments later, as Kate's switching on the coffee maker.

"Where are they?"  Cassie prompts after they both wait for Kate to elaborate for a few seconds. 

Kate sighs and rolls her eyes.  "My bed."  She reaches for one of the bagels they'd grabbed on their way back from Grand Central.  "I'm kinda torn between waiting for them to wake up and interrogating them, or just reviewing the security footage."

America's eyebrows tick upwards, and Cassie almost chokes on her own bagel.

"What, all of them?"

"Yep.  Even Loki, for some reason."

"Did they-"

"Don't know.  There were an awful lot of empty condom boxes scattered around the place."

The three of them are quiet for a moment, all looking at each other.  Then:

"So, why aren't we watching the security footage yet?"

 

* * *

 

 "I think I've solved the mystery of the empty condom boxes," America says a half hour later (after they've tried and failed to find anything incriminating in the security footage).

Kate looks up from where she's been trying (unsuccessfully) to get a hold of Jonas.  She's beginning to suspect he may not be as blameless as she originally thought.  America has an impassive look on her face, and one hand suspiciously behind her back.  "And?"

"I'd advise you not to open the door of your office anytime soon."  America produces an inflated condom from behind her back.  It's disturbingly paisley.

* * *

 

 "Um.  Guys?  Does anyone know why Noh's underwear is trying to eat my hair?"

 _"_ Ze'sprobably hungry.  Are there any more Cheetos in the bedside table?"

"Noh, I don't think this is our bedroom.  Too much purple."

"Why do I have a hangover?  I don't _get_ hangovers.  _Alcohol literally can't get me drunk guys what is going on?"_

"If you've never had a hangover before then _how do you know you have one?"_

"I have another question.  No.  Screw that.  I have _three_ questions.  They're _why are we here, where are our clothes_ _, and who's turn is it to get rid of possible blackmail material?"  
_


	6. Sunday Night Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Teddy gets dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is definitely not safe for work, even though there's no actual sex in it (I know! Sorry! I'll make it up to you).

As much as Billy enjoys getting to see so much of Teddy's skin on a daily basis, (and it's a _lot_ of skin when your boyfriend spends most of his time walking around their headquarters in his underwear), he _also_ loves getting to cover him up with whatever strikes his fancy.  There's something so deliciously  _gorgeous_ about the way Teddy looks in a well-fitted suit.  Something heart-stoppingly _warm_ in the way he wraps himself up in the deep green cardigan Billy bought him for his last birthday.  Something delightfully _ecstatic_ about the way he wears a paint-splattered tee-shirt and ripped jeans cut-off at mid-thigh.

And something irrevocably, sinfully, devastatingly _dirty_ about the way he looks in leather.

Seriously.

Their trip to the Folsom Street Fair last year led to so many civilian casualties (most of them sporting nosebleeds from walking into various walls, lampposts, and other fair-goers) that Billy ended up having to cast a glamour on his boyfriend's lower half.  And project a sensing field around _himself_ so _he_ didn't walk into anything.

Billy feels there should be some sort of FDA warning about this.

_Theodore Altman in leather is a serious hazard to public health._

Not that Billy minds a little risk.  He _is_ a superhero, after all.

And.  Well.  It's not like there's _actually_ an FDA warning tattooed on his boyfriend somewhere.  He would know.  He could even check right now...

"Billy?"

 _Oh.  Right.  Not getting distracted._ Billy shakes his head and smiles up at Teddy's stupidly-attractive face.  "Sorry."  He shakes out his fingers and lets his magic well up from the place inside his chest where it rests when he's not using it.  "Ready?"

Teddy's lips quirk up in the little smirk he's been cultivating ever since they were fresh out of college and working at some dive-y club in Brooklyn while Kate was having the _Multiverse_ built in the cavernous interior of the former Bishop Publishing house.  Billy's stomach flips in a purely pleasurable way because that smirk on Teddy's lips does _things_ to his insides. 

"Sure."  His boyfriend stands up a little straighter, holding his hands behind his back and arching a brow at Billy.  "Do your worst, Warlock."

Billy suppresses the shiver that runs down his spine straight to his groin at the way Teddy's lips curl around his alias (or really, his alter-alter alias.  Thanks Loki).  Instead, he snaps his fingers, his Warlock costume appearing over his skin in an instant.  He chuckles darkly through the mask's echo chamber, taking a step forward to nudge Teddy's legs a little farther apart with the heel of his boot before snapping his fingers again, summoning the first piece of the ensemble he's picked out tonight from the pocket dimension he's set up in the bottom of their dresser.  He twirls it around his finger for a few seconds contemplatively before showing it to Teddy.

It's a jockstrap.  Unremarkable in both design and color.  In fact, just about the only thing that separates it from the regular ones both of them own for wearing under their superhero costumes is the material.  It's a glossy black leather, buttery smooth except for the inside of the pouch, where Billy's added a little something of his own that he hopes will drive Teddy completely up the wall.

He bends down to slip them on, Teddy obligingly lifting his feet off the floor when Billy taps his ankles.  Billy takes his time sliding them up Teddy's legs, letting the straps drag deliciously _tight_ over Teddy's muscled thighs.  He smirks into the mask at the hitched breath that the other boy gives as the checked interior of the pouch makes contact with his balls and cock.  He runs a gloved hand over the bulge and watches as Teddy's pupils expand.

"Comfortable?"  He inquires, giving Teddy's junk a gentle squeeze before letting go and stepping back to admire the effect.  Teddy gulps and nods vigorously, his enthusiasm causing a smile to twitch irresistibly at the corners of Billy's mouth.  "Good.  Now..."

He produces a pair of pants in the same buttery leather from behind his back with a flourish, barely letting Teddy get a glance at them draped over his left arm before he makes a gesture with his free hand and the pants are slithering off his arm, across the floor, and up Teddy's legs.  Teddy shivers as the material covers his skin, molding to the curve of his calves and clinging to the bulge of his thighs, invisible fingers fastening the buttons of the fly so that the waistline sits low on his hips.

Billy studies the effect for a few moments before making some minor adjustments to the fit with his magic; lowering the rise until the inseam presses up under Teddy's junk, shrinking the material around his thighs so the pants won't bunch up too much when he walks.  He has Teddy turn around and spends another minute making sure that Teddy's ass looks positively delectable (resisting the urge to grab it with both hands and _squeeze_ ).

Finally, he steps back again, and almost has his breath taken away because Teddy is biting his lip and he looks positively _filthy_. 

He doesn't know how this continues to surprise him every time.  They've done this before, a few times.  Mostly for Bondage Night at _Multiverse_ , but a few times just for them.  And every time, Billy is again completely _gobsmacked_ by how much the sight of Teddy in leather makes him want to push him up against a wall and fuck him into oblivion.  Instead, he quickly banishes the Warlock costume back to his closet and settles for burying a hand in Teddy's hair and tugging him down into a sloppy kiss, making sure to leave his boyfriend's lips bruised red and slick.

The rest of the bits of the outfit are small, and go on relatively quickly.  Shiny black leather cuffs for his wrists.  A pair of boots that rise up to the middle of his calves.  A plain black collar that Billy slides around Teddy's neck like a very amorous snake. Teddy's eyes are lidded and his breath is shallow as Billy takes a final step back to admire his work.  Billy grins, smug and  _very_ turned on as he watches Teddy stretch experimentally and run his own hands over the supple leather encasing his legs.

"You like?"  Billy inquires as he produces one of Teddy's pre-show V-necks from nowhere and hands it to him.

"Yeah."  Teddy's voice sounds just a little rough as he slips the deep green shirt over his head.  The hem of it just brushes the top of the pants, meaning that every movement Teddy makes allows a flash of bronzed skin or golden hair to peek through.  Billy congratulates himself at getting the size just right.

"Awesome."  Billy steps back into his space and runs a hand around the curve of Teddy's waist.  "I think these are my new favorite pants on you," he muses, letting himself trace his fingers lightly down the curve of Teddy's ass.  "I can't wait to watch Kon peel them off you with his TTK."

Teddy lets out a muffled groan and Billy can feel the other boy's face heat up where it's buried against the skin of his neck.

"Stop talking before you make me come in my pants," Teddy growls a second later, biting Billy's earlobe playfully before pulling back out of groping range and taking a deep breath.

Billy smirks and then laughs, reaching out a hand to take Teddy's to lead him out of the changing rooms toward the bar.  As they pass through the staff door and out into the club proper, he leans over, bringing his lips close to Teddy's ear.

"By the way," he whispers, making a subtle gesture with his wrist that has Teddy tensing all over and almost tripping over his own feet as the checked pattern on the inside of the jock begins to flow and wrap around Teddy's junk in a teasing embrace.  "What makes you think that those pants would even allow you to get off?"  He curls his fingers in toward his palm, watching with satisfaction as Teddy's face turns bright red as the leather cinches itself tightly around his balls and the root of his cock.

Billy grins and darts in to steal one last teasing kiss before darting off toward the bar, waving to a rather wary-looking Kon-El, who's approaching Teddy from the dance floor in chaps and cowboy boots, beer in hand.  Teddy blinks twice, snaps out of his daze and gives Kon a smile as the meta hands the beer over.

"Dude," Kon says as Teddy pops the cap off and takes a long drink.  "I am so glad that Tim doesn't have access to magic sometimes."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think this chapter might warrant the rating being raised to Explicit, even though there's no actual sex. Also because I'm thinking about writing a second half of this chapter in which Teddy gets UNdressed that will DEFINITELY be explicit. Seriously, the things Billy is planning to do once he gets his hands on Teddy again are delightfully obscene.
> 
> I was originally planning to make this a silly chapter featuring Merlin Baker (from Dangerouscommiesubversive's 'Our Bright Disturbing Multiverse' series; but this idea popped into my head and I couldn't NOT run with it. Like, I know of at least one fic where Teddy nearly has an aneurysm over Billy in leather pants, but there really needed to be one flipped around, and so I've set out to correct that.
> 
> Teddy's Ensemble:  
> Jock: http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NjAwWDQwMA==/z/18oAAOSwxCxT4A~G/$_35.JPG  
> Pants: http://g01.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1SfQcIpXXXXcLXpXXq6xXFXXXF/Teenage-font-b-men-s-b-font-spring-clothing-font-b-leather-b-font-font-b.jpg


	9. Rondo in the Key of Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Teddy looses a bet, Thor makes a brief and unexpected reappearance, and Connor Hawke teaches a yoga class.

Billy's train of thought is thoroughly derailed the second he spots Teddy through the crowds pouring out of the subway.

It's not an uncommon occurrence, even after knowing Teddy almost ten years (and being married to him for three).  No, what's special about this time in particular is the deer antlers that are sprouting from his mop of blond hair.

As if sensing Billy's mental derailment, Teddy chooses that moment to look up from his phone and catch his husband's eye through the sea of people surrounding them.  His lips curl up into a pleased smile (the one that still makes an unfair number of butterflies flutter madly around Billy's stomach), and he begins to make his way through the crowd to where Billy's standing.

"Hey! Guess what I found in the trade bins this week!" Teddy's clutching a bag of comics in one hand while his other is still trying to get his phone into the pocket of the pants Billy got him for his birthday that are just _slightly_ too small (on purpose).  His cheeks are slightly flushed from the chill of the early November air.

Billy, finding his voice, raises an eyebrow and inquires, "Antlers?"

_Because as much as he wants to know what cool awesome thing Teddy's managed to dig up for their collection, the antlers curling out of Teddy's slightly shaggy hair are sort of stealing his attention right now._

Teddy looks confused for a second, as if he's trying to remember what comic on their pull list has anything to do with antlers, before realization dawns and he laughs self-consciously, running a hand across the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Lost a bet with Tommy," he explains, laughter still crinkling at the corners of his eyes and mouth.  "You like them?"

Billy swallows.  Because as much as they looked ridiculous when he first spotted Teddy in the crowd, now that he's up close Billy can't help but think they're kinda, well... _hot._   Or maybe it's just Teddy.   Teddy, who's giving him that _look_ now, the one that says _'Oh. Wow. This is apparently a Thing That Billy Finds Attractive.'_

"I think I owe Tommy a favor now,"  Billy says, reaching up to run the tips of his fingers along the point of one of Teddy's new accessories. 

Teddy _shivers_.

Eyes widening, Billy jerks his hand back.  "They're sensitive?"

The flush that's darkening Teddy's cheeks and ears this time is decidedly _not_ brought on by the chill in the air.   Teddy's eyes shift to a point roughly around Billy's left ear.

"Um.  Apparently?"

Without another thought, Billy grabs Teddy's free hand and pulls hims closer.

"Do we have any other plans for this afternoon?"  He asks quickly.  Teddy shakes his head, pupils dilating with unexpected arousal at Billy's sudden interest.

"Good,"  Billy breathes, making a quick gesture with his own free hand before using it to push Teddy back onto their bed; following him down before the flash of blue light or the smell of ozone fade from the air.

 

* * *

 

It's too early on a Saturday morning for Billy to be dealing with this kind of revelation about his brother's bedroom life.

Namely, the revelation that his kind-of-twin brother and his alien husband have apparently been having _threesomes with Thor_.

A small part of him is also freaking out about seeing Thor's dick, but he's choosing to ignore that part until it goes away.

He's not caffeinated enough for this.

 

* * *

 

It's mid-afternoon on a Tuesday, and normally the Multiverse would be nearly empty.  Just a few of the regulars, most of whom are actually friends of Tommy's from law school.  On a typical day, they'll gather at the bar to moan about that hard-ass judge who's blatant anti-mutant bias is obviously a disgrace to the city.  Or how much they wish that they'd landed Tommy's gig rather than their dull office jobs.

However, this is not a normal Tuesday afternoon.

-X-

"Have I ever mentioned how obscene your brother is for someone so seemingly vanilla?"  Tommy asks Roy as they watch Connor Hawke leading yoga from the stage.  

It's a new idea of Kate's.  Hosting classes in the afternoon, when they're open, but generally so slow they might as well be closed if Tommy's lawyer friends didn't turn up.  After turning up a blank for yoga Tuesday from their own roster, (the only person who knew enough and was patient enough to teach well was Steve, and, well, they didn't want _that_ much business), they'd gone to the JLA, and Connor had volunteered on the spot.

"No," Roy drawls off-handedly.  "But you're not the first one to make that observation.""Damn."  Tommy's eyes are drawn to the way Connor's ass pushes against the material of his yoga pants.  "He seeing anyone right now?"Roy snorts.  "Not officially.  Once Kyle gets back from his off-world assignment though..."  A smirk passes across his lips.  "Really?"  Tommy's spent enough time hanging out with the Outlaws by this point to recognize that particular face.  "Think we should get a sub for that week?""Yeah.  Probably a good idea.  Jason might be up for it.  You should see him do Plow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL I know this isn't the part two of the last chapter like I thought it would be. But have this instead, because it's been like four months and I had some bits and pieces lying around that I figured would make a decent chapter. I've also got, like, three other chapters in partial drafts somehow, so maybe they'll make an appearance at some point.


End file.
